


Scar Tissue

by FanFicReader01



Category: Biohazard | Resident Evil (Gameverse)
Genre: Angst, Blowjobs, Comfort/Angst, Internal Conflict, Internalized Transphobia, M/M, Self-Indulgent, Self-Loathing, Smut, Songfic, Trans Male Character, implied past suicidal thoughts, yes there is smut at the end of this fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-09
Updated: 2020-05-09
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:54:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,716
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24090895
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FanFicReader01/pseuds/FanFicReader01
Summary: He cursed in his mother tongue and stared into the fractured mirror. He was met with his equally broken body.
Relationships: Nicholai Ginovaef | Nikolai Zinoviev/Carlos Oliveira
Comments: 11
Kudos: 14





	Scar Tissue

**Scar tissue that I wish you saw**

**Sarcastic mister know it all**

Carefully the Russian put the straight razor blade to his skin that was now covered in special cream. With a controlled hand he tilted the blade in the right angle. His other hand stretched the skin tightly back before he let the blade slide over his stubbly cheek. Smooth, like a hot knife slicing through butter. After his cheeks and jawline were clean, it was his neck’s turn to submit to the razor blade. Again, with precision and great focus, Nikolai let the blade run down and down. Not really sure what went wrong, he suddenly felt a sharp sting at his throat, soon followed by droplets of blood. The knife slipped out of his hand and clattered into the sink below together with the red. He cursed in his mother tongue and stared into the fractured mirror. He was met with his equally broken body. One hand hovered over his chest. Multiple scars were scattered across the entire area, creating ugly, uneven skin tissue. Those fucking medical ‘specialists’ and their so-called cure, he thought. Nikolai often thought this looked worse than what he used to have. He let out a frustrated sigh and picked up the blade again, going for a second attempt despite the blood still dripping down his neck. Once his entire face was shaved, he quickly put on a shirt and cleaned up the mess he’d created.

Back in his living room he put on some TV show as background noise and thud down into the old couch. As his eyes trailed down for a second, he observed his thighs. Strong as ever. Hardened by training and battles. A few sore spots were visible where he had put in the needles too quick, too harsh. He was impatient but he needed that shit.

**Close your eyes and I'll kiss you**

**'Cause with the birds I'll share**

The sergeant had called the younger corporal to meet in private to talk about some ‘reward’ for their last mission. The ‘private’ spot was behind the barracks during the training. While Nikolai had let the other men run another ten laps across the yard, he had called upon Oliveira.

“What’s this about, Nikolai?” the younger man said with a grin. Of course he was already suspecting what was going to happen next.

And the sergeant confirmed his guess by pushing him against the wall, putting him between two hard things.

“You know we’re still in the open,” Carlos gasped in-between hungry kisses from the older male.

“We can’t just go off the radar entirely,” Nikolai stated with a growl before lapping at the smaller man’s mouth again. As they grew bolder, he firmly grabbed the young man’s ass which earned him a short whine. Carlos wasn’t shy either and his hands wandered over Nikolai’s hips and up his chest and-

“ _Don’t_ ,” he hissed, immediately grabbing the corporal’s hands in his own.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” Carlos seemed caught-off guard. After Nikolai released his hands, the younger man stepped aside. “So-, I guess I’ll get back to the training. I still need to do those ten laps!”

Without telling him to stay, Nikolai watched as the young man smiled at him and ran off again. Nikolai pulled his shirt straight, still an old habit of the old days, and huffed.

**With the birds I'll share this lonely view**

**With the birds I'll share this lonely view**

As he was alone in his apartment, dinner made for one, Nikolai made the mistake of thinking too much about unnecessary if not _impossible_ things. He wondered what it would be if there was a significant other. Just someone. Well, maybe not just someone. _Carlos Oliveira_. The guy had been on his mind more than he should.

“You’re delusional,” Nikolai corrected his own train of thoughts. Not only were feelings not a good thing to have in general, it could endanger future missions. It could make him act out irrational instead of calculated, cold-blooded. Even without the pure practical side of it all, Nikolai knew a lot of people would frown upon such relation and condemn it. Not only because of their age differences or their rank differences, but because they were two men. And if Carlos would find out that Nikolai was only half a man, well, that would simply end disastrous. And maybe it wasn’t the other people’s opinion on the Russian that mattered, but the opinion of the Corporal himself.

Nikolai had a reputation to uphold. The image of the cold and cruel sergeant, a hardened soldier, would be crushed once his secret would get out. He couldn’t let that happen. Not even over his dead body.

**I'll make it to the moon if I have to crawl and  
And with the birds I'll share this lonely view**

Against all own odds, Nikolai had invited the younger Corporal to his home. It was weekend. Relatively a calm one at that so he wasn’t as busy. However, it didn’t take away the feel of slight unease Nikolai got now that the hour of Carlos’ arrival creeped closer. Had it been Mikhail, or hell, even that brat Murphy, Nikolai would simply not have cared if they’d come over and how or when.

Now he suddenly noticed all the flaws of his small flat apartment. The countless cracks in the wall, the paint coming off on multiple spots, the dusty window sills and the old, dirty curtains. The broken heater. Though he kept everything clean, it could not take away how messy the apartment itself was.

More time to ponder of silly things was not reserved for him. The doorbell rang. Nikolai realised he’d been standing around the whole time once he moved to the door to welcome the fellow soldier.

“Sup, Nikolai,” Carlos greeted, casual as ever.

Nikolai responded with a simple nod before quickly closing the door behind them and locking it. More nervous than ever, the host stood in the small living room, awaiting some kind of judgement from the other male but he got nothing more than a simple: “Neat place.” Carlos plopped onto the couch.

“You want a drink?” Nikolai asked so he wouldn’t sit idle.

“Sure. What you got?”

The Russian strutted toward his fridge. Some beer. Vodka, obviously. Oh, there was some cola left. “Cola fine for you?”

“Good.”

As Nikolai was pouring some for both, he heard the other man snicker. What was so funny? Was it the couch with the spring popping out on the left bottom side?

“I didn’t know you did drugs, Nikolai,” Carlos giggled. The suddenness almost made Nikolai spill the glasses he was about to carry. _Shit_. When he got to the living room again, Carlos was holding up an empty syringe, inspecting it closely. As soon as Nikolai had put down the glasses rather aggressively, he snatched the syringe from the young soldier’s hands. “You. don’t. play. with. those.” Damn it, he thought he had cleaned everything and got rid of the evidence.

Carlos still looked smug about the discovery. “So what’s a super soldier like you pumping himself full for?”

Nikolai bit the inside of his cheek until he tasted blood, not facing the other man yet. Maybe this _was_ the right opportunity to just tell him.

“To stay in shape,” Nikolai started, now turning around. He observed Carlos for any sign of disgust. Nothing yet, if any it was confusion. “If I do not take these…hormones, my shape will change back to its old, disgusting form. Well, partially.”

Carlos squinted his eyes. Nikolai held his breath, something he only reserved for stealth missions and sniping and aiming.

“Waait a second…hormones? Are you…” _Sick, mentally ill, a tr-_ “Trans?”

Nikolai snapped his eyes open. Well, that sounded awfully neutral, coming from his subordinate.

“You know about…transgenders?” the Russian stammered, not able to hid his surprise.

Carlos nodded. “Sort of. I sometime read articles about the US army not accepting them, which sounds bullshit to me. So I guess it’s nice that Umbrella actually hires them like anyone else.”

Still stunned, Nikolai dropped down onto the couch with some distance from the other guy. He took his glass and took a big swig as if he was downing some alcohol, with only the bubbles being the same.

“Is this why you invited me?” Carlos wanted to know.

“No, you idiot,” Nikolai huffed, trying to uphold his cold demeanour but he couldn’t resist asking: “So what now?”

“What?” Carlos shrugged his shoulders and the older soldier rolled his eyes.

“Are you going to tell the others?”

“No? Unless you want me to I will gladly-”

“ _No_. Nobody has to know. Especially not the cadets,” Nikolai cut him short.

“Okay, cool. Look, Nikolai, I’m pretty easy about this kind of stuff, believe it or not.”

The Russian peered at him, suspiciously. How could Corporal McFlirty be so easy about it? Easy. Not something Nikolai could relate to. All those illegal hospital visits. Endless needles and recoveries. Had he not forged his own papers and managed to fool everybody back in his homeland, he would’ve been beheaded.

“If you think my perception of you has changed, it hasn’t,” Carlos clarified.

“You’re lying,” Nikolai hissed under his suppressed breath.

“I’m _serious_ ,” Carlos then gave him an angry look. It enraged the older man somehow.

“You’re not,” he jumped up and Carlos went head to head with him, despite the height difference.

“I am, Nikolai. _Foda-se_ , I am.” The younger merc cursed and before Nikolai could come up with another irrational argument, Carlos had crashed himself into the taller man, stealing a hungry kiss from his lips. They fell back onto the couch.

Once Carlos gave the other man breathing space, he smirked: “You do realise _you_ are the reason I figured out I wasn’t straight.”

Though Nikolai didn’t fully mean it, he retorted: “Guess you were right after all then.”

“No, you’re still the intimidating but handsome bastard guy I fell for,” Carlos growled back. The tension of it all caused Nikolai to flat out burst out into something that resembled laughter. Still intimidating, huh?

“Maybe I am not the monster for the reasons people think I am,” he chortled. Fuck, he wasn’t really planning on going on a self-rampant destructive spree but the situation left him no choice. This definitely wasn’t the side of him he wanted Carlos, of all people, to see. He felt more naked than ever.

“What do you mean?” the ignorant fool said.

“My body is messed up,” Nikolai decided to play open cards. They’d come this far, he might as well spill it all out and hopefully forget about it after downing a few strong drinks. “Whatever the war and missions of Umbrella did to me, don’t come even near to what those shit fucked surgeons did to me back in Russia.” He left out the part where he went there himself, fully consenting. It was that, or a bullet to his head, trigger pulled by his own fingers.

**To lick your heart and taste your health  
'Cause with the birds I'll share this lonely view**

Nikolai’s hands moved on their own as he removed his shirt, showing what atrocity laid below. He’d let the youngster have a one-time look. Carlos’ eyes turned into needles sinking into his body.

“Okay…So you’ve got some chest surgeries,” came his eventual judgement and it didn’t even sound judgemental as Nikolai would’ve expected. Did this man not see the heavily disfigured part, all those messy patchwork stitches, the uneven bumps or did he simply not care? _How_?

“Really, I still find you attractive,” Carlos’ voice rang through the otherwise thick silence. The young man’s hand was hovering over the tall man’s chest. Nikolai grabbed his wrist before it could make skin contact. Their eyes stared each other down in a raw intensity. Again, it was Carlos who spoke first. “I told you, my perception of you hasn’t changed.”

Nikolai leaned in, brushing his mouth against the other’s. “You’re lying,” he purred, fishing for another reply.

Carlos chuckled. “For a clever strategist and outstanding soldier, you’re also a stubborn idiot. Everyone in this made-up army has scars and messed-up thoughts. You’re not that special.” Their kiss that followed intensified. They stumbled back onto the couch, Nikolai straddling the smaller man. He tugged at the hem of Carlos’ collar, exposing more sinful flesh to nibble on.

“So _this_ is the reason I’m here,” the little brat dared to imply. Maybe he was right. Nikolai didn’t know anymore what brought him to invite this man over at his crappy apartment. It certainly didn’t have a logic reason behind it and it surely wasn’t to discuss the complications of his own body.

“Watch your mouth, soldier,” Nikolai huffed but with a hint of sarcasm.

“God, you’re hot when you talk like that,” Carlos gasped, overtly ogling the taller man on top of him. His hands laid to rest on Nikolai’s sharp hips. With silent agreement, he wandered upward.

Nikolai quickly realised that the other man was _admiring_ and _caressing_ his scars. Carlos looked at them as if they were the prettiest things he’d ever seen. It made the Russian swallow thickly. Such kindness, gentleness. Unusual. Disgusting. Again, he grabbed the man’s wrists and distracted them from his chest area, instead guiding them toward the belt of his pants.

Boldly he asked: “Why not put those hands to use somewhere else, hm?” It earned him a smug grin from Carlos.

“Alright, _Sergeant_ Zinoviev,” the young man stated as he started unbuckling the man’s belt. As the Russian took off his pants they changed positions. Only left in his undies, he sat onto the couch, legs spread for Carlos to sit in-between.

The young man took in the sight and caressed those strong thighs, systematically circling closer to the crotch area. Nikolai was already breathing heavily. His heart beat fast, he could hear it drum in his ears.

“May I?” Carlos carefully asked as he got at the edge of the boxer sleeves. Nikolai quickly nodded and looked into another direction, actively avoiding the young merc’s gaze. He felts nimble fingers slip into his underwear, pushing them aside to expose his most private and shameful parts. He heard Carlos wet his fingers and then those fingers were felt on him. He suppressed a moan when he felt them brush against his dick. Carlos quickly catching up on what was pleasurable and what not, got to work fully. He dipped his head between the taller man’s thighs and lapped at the sensitive flesh. Nikolai felt himself harden in no-time. He balled his fist and bit down more moans and grunts. As his legs started to tremble from all the attention he got down there, Carlos had to use his hands to keep him down. A skilful tongue flicked over the sensitive head.

One of Nikolai’s hands found its way into the other man’s scruffy hair, pulling him down. Carlos saw it as an invitation to take it all in and _suck_. This time without censoring himself, Nikolai let out a raspy moan. The sensation was immense. New, foreign, delicious. Daring a look down, Carlos gave him a happy yet lecherous smile, his lower face covered in Nikolai’s wetness. _Fuck._ the sight shouldn’t be as hot as it was. The fact that the Corporal was so willing and accepting of this body, was a miracle. It almost made Nikolai go sentimental and tear up, if he wasn’t fully overwhelmed by the emotion of lust instead.

Not much later, he climaxed and Carlos sat back, catching his breath, licking his lips and fingers clean and dry. Nikolai threw his head back against the cushion of the couch and gasped. A shudder ran down his spine before he could collect himself and readjust his undies that he should totally change. Instead he slipped back into his pants and got the empty, abandoned glasses to the kitchen.

In the meantime, Carlos had gotten up from the floor and followed the Russian. He nonchalantly leaned against the counter and stared at Nikolai.

“So…Nikolai, did that act prove myself to you?”

The older merc avoided his eyes but managed to out a subtle chuckle. “You did.”

**Author's Note:**

> Here are some of my headcanons for trans Nikolai  
> \- He has illegally acquired hormone therapy aka those syringes  
> \- He has also only secretly undergone top surgery but as people were not that familiar with it back in the day, it went wrong which caused him to have multiple 'corrections' that left him scarred beyond proper 'repair'  
> \- Those things are expensive and as I had talked with @xXxBishopxXx that could also be a motivation for Nikolai to be so obsessed with money  
> \- His more macho behaviour and toxic masculinity is his way to prove he's a guy  
> \- As an older trans guy, he probably uses some older words (and rethoric) too (example : transgenders instead of trans people or smth)  
> \- All that internalized transphobia makes him very bitter and self-loathing. he doesnt like his body at all and the thought that someone could accept him as easily (as Carlos) enrages him and makes him fearful (again, this ties beautifully into canon Nikolai who seems to suppress emotions and deems them a burden)


End file.
